Him

I am putting this down today because I see it as one way to get over him.

Sort of remember the good and celebrate him any way I can so that I finally put him past me and embrace the present.

It has been seven months since I last saw him. Do I miss him? I do. But then again as I answer that I do not know if I miss him or just the fun we had because, to be honest, we did have a lot of fights too, and funny enough, I miss that as well.

The bad boy vibe. Man, I have always been a sucker for the wild ones! It was wild, passionate, and fun and I am getting to realize that not many people choose to just live in the moment as he does.

People. I want to go deeper but man… A part of me is afraid that you are going to see the wild side. The side I pretend to hide from most people. But hell yeah, wtf!! Might as well throw care to the wind and live in the moment yes?

Where to begin. How do I even delve in?

There are so many jumbled memories right now. Some seem very private that it seems as though I would be parading myself naked to you guys. Literally walking naked in the street in front of all to see. But then again I give a middle finger to the sky and say heck yeah, I am going to it. After all, what’s with all the hiding we normally do when deep down, we are all the same? Unique yes, but also all the same

Okay now back to my story.

I remember the first time we met and the witty remark he made that he wanted to punch me because I was almost leaving yet he said he was on his way. The way he whistled when he saw my thighs. Power to the woman’s thighs! I have very thick thighs.

The conversation after was flattering. You know! Him definitely in the zone and saying all the right stuff. Girls. We know how it is right. He got me in hook line and almost sinker but I could tell it was the foolhardy stuff even though to a woman who loves flattery, boy was he hitting all the right places.

He had this strong tough front that was hard to penetrate even before I got to really know him.

I had a feeling I would fall in love.

In all honesty, though it felt like the kind of love that comes with time up to now it feels shallow. Like the roots haven’t gone deep and with strong wind, it would blow off right through. Uprooted root and stem then onto other matters. And that is what happened.

I should probably tell you guys something. The whole ‘wait for six months before widening your legs’ has never really been my forte’. When I feel like I like a guy I’m all like, “heck baby let’s get this thing going.” Relationship books say it is the worst mistake you could ever make with a guy. And I am trying to learn. Really trying hard but it has not sunk in yet. Trying to do things differently now.

So when he came in, the fire was aflame pretty quick.

I wouldn’t say I had that instant yes feeling that tells you something is right. I did not feel a repulse either because that would mean running. The first time he kissed me, I felt nothing. And maybe I should have ended it at that moment but in a way, I was still drawn to him.

This left me confused. Within the first instant, I can usually tell if something is a yes or a no. Did nothing mean a maybe? I don’t know. I mean he called me Mrs. B the first time we met, and after not having anyone ever do that I felt special. Of course, the line was one he used on others as well as I later found out, but it lifted my insecurities for a second.

I told myself that feeling nothing was like a blank slate. That I could make it into whatever I wished. I could choose it or not and it would be okay.

More on love: How do you know that he is the right person for you?

 Man! He had the looks.

He had style. Confidence, check. Observant, check. He never missed a thing. Took it all in. Reading me is not as easy for most people but he could read me and that was a big plus sign.

Then I got to see his apartment and when I say blown off, I was. Root and stem. This was a man who loved beauty as his space told me. He loved order and was extremely clean and fun to be around. I mean what more could I want?

What’s more?

He shaved his parts and didn’t have hair. He smelt clean always and I everything of his was organized. Something else? There aren’t very many guys who would have white towels, a white robe, and plenty of color in their space.

Maybe that should have been a tell-tale sign that he had a woman in his life and I was coming in as the side piece. At that moment though, I wanted us to be something. Even as I write this I feel like I should be angry that he led me on, but at this point in time, I feel like I have forgiven him.

Why?

Because I could see the pain in his eyes. I could see it from the moment we started chatting and he sent me his picture. There was something there. Darkness, anger. I wanted to run and maybe I should have. Then I convinced myself that behind anger there is always hurt and pain, and maybe what he needed was just lots of love doses. Even as I write this it feels off.

I told him what I saw in his eyes and he was shocked at first. Said most people never look at people’s eyes and then did not comment any further. I don’t know if it was because I had hit the nail on the mark, or because of something else but the eyes never lie. And my gut feeling could not have been wrong.

Wanting it so bad made me look past it.

Ignored it. When we started talking I loved our conversations. Maybe for him, it was something light, another conquest to get into bed then forget about, or a constant hook-up that was okay for now. I wanted it to be so much more than that though. And it cost me so much.

Then the wild nights came next. The best part about it for me was that it awakened my bad girl side. That girl was so much fun compared to the normal me. She wanted to break rules. She loved the danger. The thrill made her scream with life and enthusiasm. Her bitchy side felt powerful. She did not feel boring anymore. She was full of life and passion made her wanton, in the best way she could ever imagine.

I remember how shy she was at first. How hesitantly she moved to touch him. She wouldn’t look him in the eye. Ashamed. At other times awkward. She was horrendous in a very cute way.

Then he tore off her mask bit by bit.

He invited her to the dance floor. Asked her questions that made her blush and then laugh hard, because they were so naughty. She took shots, flinching at the taste then still laughing, went on to kiss him and reveal the wild girl beneath the veneer.

Bit by bit, the shell fell off. I felt reborn and I felt like I was breathing for the first time. I felt like I was breaking the rules. Not because I did not want to follow them but because I was paving a path for me that was not influenced by society. I was making principles on my own, making my own mind, and really doing what I wanted to do.

I loved spending time with him.

And it was not just because of the bad boy vibe. When we talked, I got to see past his mask too. He had this tough shell that seemed all independent and mean when pocked.

But I saw him. I felt his fears when he hesitated. Saw how anxious he was to express himself sometimes. I felt his sadness when he shut down because he felt too vulnerable. At times I sensed his pain when he made a comment and I sensed how much he wanted to cover it up and give the notion that he had it all together.

The conversations got very deep sometimes. I mean, who would tell me about universal laws that clearly? Who would tell me about Annunaki’s and terrestrial beings? How many people on this planet know about Nibiru and how humans came to be the most advanced species on the planet?

It was because of him that I got to know quite a bit.

What I loved and admired most is that it was so unique. It felt like an ‘us’ thing. Like we knew secrets most people did not know.

Of course, now that I think about it, it may have been a ploy to seem intelligent. I feel mean saying that. It seemed sincere.

He has a brilliant mind. I remember feeling so impressed by how much he had mastered world history and he was telling me about it.

When I say world history I do not mean the one taught in school. I mean hidden knowledge known by very few, like how humans evolved from fish beings. How we still have cousins living in cities under the ocean. These cities are made by intelligent creatures related to the human species.

World order. There are so many things I did not know and being a Gemini, I gobbled up the knowledge like a sponge.

I did not tell him how I kept praying that that moment would never end. At that moment I was sure that I wanted us to work. I guess it was different for him.

The sex was mind-blowing.

Even with that, I got to learn some more. Damn, talk about having it with a master. The positions. Some of them were Kamasutra level.

I have always been so shy when it comes to sex. He made me bolder. The only moment I got to say what I really wanted was when I had a lot of wine prior. We both had things we wanted to hide. I could sense it.

People. You do know that sex is never just sex yes? There are moments when I felt like our bodies said what we were too afraid to say yet. He would never say what he felt, but during sex, he always said it with his body and I felt it.

Then I made an attempt to say what I felt and that was the beginning of the end. Even as I remember it now, it felt plastic. Like I was saying it yet I was not convinced of it fully.

Why?

I think it is because I was trying to force it to work between us. With him pulling away I panicked instead of accepting it. I wanted to fight for him I guess and deep down I could feel that it was one-sided.

After that, came the bomb that shattered the little shreds that were holding us together. He told me he was married but they were living apart. I was SHOCKED! I thought he was making it up because he wanted to get rid of me.

There was no sign of a woman in his apartment.

No photos, no woman’s belongings, not even a kid’s belongings even though he told me he was also a father. Then he showed me a picture of his child and I felt like crying. I then on a later day found lingerie in the bathroom once and that was the end of us. We had a nasty fight.

After doing my search and finding more lingerie hidden beneath the drawers, my worst fears were confirmed.

As I think about it now, it may be that he wanted me to see them there. As I said, we were both damaged in some way. Emotionally, we both had scars and dealt with emotions as children would. Funny now but true. Maybe I made him feel vulnerable and open and he felt afraid of that.

I left for the capital city after because I wanted to forget us, and move on.

Then he texted after about three months. He texted me an image of myself. A naughty one! Wink! I was surprised he had kept the photos even though he gave the impression that he did not give a damn. But we started talking after that.

Legally, he is not married but he takes care of his child and mother as though he is. Found that out later.

I remember singing for him on his birthday after and he felt loved I think. Maybe not, I do not know. He said I had a beautiful voice. It was special and since my dad loved music, I had learned a thing or two about music.

When I came back for Christmas, I looked for him and we met.

We went clubbing! For the first time, I met his friends and for 8 days, we met almost every day. I got to see a side of him that I never knew. It was a moment I will cherish for the rest of my life. He even called me his girlfriend for the first time. I was the luckiest woman on the planet. Life was good and I felt as sexy as fuck.

Don’t know if he meant it though because he slept with someone else. I was too afraid to ask

Emotionally, we are both still children-like. I messed up by sleeping with someone else as payback because he had slept with other women even though I had given him all the signs that I wanted to be with him. We got into a fight. He blocked me. It proved he had feelings for me too.

I had fallen in love with him again. But even when I came home for Christmas, we were never intimate again. Heaven knows I wanted to, but I held back. Wanted him to initiate it.

I fell sick and for him, it was the first time seeing what it meant to be bipolar. Was it too much to handle? After fighting for a while, he blocked me. Healed then regretted everything. But he was gone and I think this time, it is for good. I miss him sometimes. I miss the fun. But with this I say goodbye.

We bonded the second time.

It felt real. Deeper. More radiant and pure. I saw the things he tried to hide. This time, I was more open. More confident and comfortable in my own skin. It felt natural between us. It felt like life was giving us a second chance at love.

Was it only me who felt it though?

I sure will miss him. I am at a crossroad.  A part of me feels like fighting for him. A part of me wants to let go and embrace the present.

I am blocked from his social media and his phone. I do not know where he is or what he is doing. But I still want to fight for him. Crazy right?

People tell me he is evil. I saw the darkness the first he sent me his picture. But then I see beneath the mask too. I know it is just a front. I have seen beneath him. The others have not.

Do I only want to see what I want to or are my eyes really open? Could it be that the others see him clearly and I am clouded by feelings? Should I run?

Could it be that they have not seen the mask and I have? Could it be that they have not seen the person beneath? He has dreams, he has fears and he is kind, in his own way. He will do the little things. A glimpse of this and a glimpse of that. Just to show you that he cares.

He called me on my birthday and then pretended not to care. He wanted to know how it went, then pretended not to. I almost smiled. Though I did not because I believed him when he brushed it off and felt hurt, but now that I look back, I know he cared but I wanted more from him. I appreciate what it is he gave.

I saw his insecurities.

Beneath it all, that is what is there. Could it be that others missed it? Because of the prideful lion front, he has on? The armor that prevents him from hurt? The fear that people will hurt and lie and manipulate him if he is not careful? This is what he has gone through. This is what he expects from people. Others do not see it because it is carefully hidden.

He is abrasive and harsh because he is protecting himself. Do others not see it? Is it only me who sees it? And is it the truth or do I want it to be? He dominates because that is all he knows. He showed me his dominance. Beat the crap out of someone who had revealed his secrets to help me see what he really was.

Was I scared?

No. I understood him. I saw him. Saw what was inside. Knew what he needed. Knew what to be if I wanted to exist in his world. His world was different from mine. While mine was filled with love, care, support, and protection, his was filled with fear. In it there was only blunt dominance or submission. He had to choose one and as a man, he chose dominance.

For him, that meant he was strong.

It meant he was in control. It meant he was not weak. And yet that was not the whole story. Behind a need to dominate is a fear of weakness. I saw it and I wanted to bathe him with love. Restore his faith in people and most of all, in himself.

I smile even as I say this. Money. Power. Women. Parties. Alcohol. This was his world. It is the world many believe in. it is an empty world. One that makes you high for a bit. But what happens when it is all taken away? Who are you without the money, power, women, parties, and alcohol? Who was the man who went to bed each night, stripped of all this?

This was a man running from himself. Scared to face the person in the mirror. Someone afraid of his own shadow. Someone who had his wounds. Wounds he covered up instead of let heal. He covered them up and momentarily forgot they were there. I may be wrong, but it feels like the truth. Even as I write it down, in my gut it feels like the truth.

So when we got closer, it feels as though he wanted to run.

Because I meant he would have to uncover those wounds and see them. Tend to them and have them heal. That was a painful process and the fear drove him away. What he now knows is comfortable yet I represented a painful process.

I am not mad at him. How could I when I understand him? I can see what he is going through. Or for the most part, trying to. Putting myself in his shoes. He is not ready for what I represent. And that is okay.

Sometimes I feel like I need to push him. Confront him. Just pull the band-aid off and treat the wound. Force him to look at it and make him face what he is most afraid to face.

But that is scary for me too.

What if I am wrong? Will he end up hurting me because he sees me as a threat? What if he lashes out and says stuff that hurts my sensitive spirit?

Am I strong enough to tear off the mask and reveal the person beneath?

Unless I try, I can never find out, can I? And this means that I will have to face my demons too because I am also afraid. I feel brave though.

So now, what do I do?

Especially now that I am seeing someone else?

It is not the same as the one with him. I chose safety after all that danger. Safe. Warm. Comfortable. But why do I feel dead right now? I feel like I made a mistake. Which is why he comes to mind.

Is he the death of me? Do I fight for him? Or let him go? Will he come back on his own? Is our story ended or just beginning?

Oddly, I feel peaceful.

Maybe he needs space. What I know is that my heart is open towards him. There is love shining through me. For him. Myself. My current person.

Things tend to sort themselves out. I guess this one will too. I oddly feel happy yet I have done nothing.

Whatever happens, I am ready for it. I miss him. Whether to walk backward, give us a chance, or go forward, on my own? I will know, but for now, I am peaceful.