There are very many moments in life when we doubt ourselves and have many fears. This past week has been one of those moments.
You know that moment when you get it over your head that you are really good at something and then it gets thrown in your face that you actually are not?
When it seems to all be falling apart even before it starts?
When it gets confirmed that you are not as good as you thought you were?
This is how I have been feeling. I was not aware of how down under I really am until I noticed I had lost inspiration.
All I wanted to do was sleep all day, stare at a screen the whole day. Damn even taking a shower seemed all too much of a hassle!
Deep within I know the genius is there. Could it be something I am telling myself just to feel better though? Why can I not see it in my reality?
And how can I preach something when part of me is tempted to give in? My ideas are not bringing in any income.
The people closest to me that I thought could at least support me or give a damn think I am living in a fantasy. It hurts.
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I feel like venturing out on my own but if I do that how would I survive if I am not making any money? Am I being stupid for trying to believe in my dream? Am I a cliché? Right now it feels like it is too much.
Is it a fantasy to believe in a dream that I feel is my purpose?
Do I have the discipline to make it work?
What if I fall flat on my face? Even if I rebel and leave those who do not understand my mission, how do I survive with no income flow?
Do I believe that this deep truth in my being is not real? That it cannot be done? Do I start believing that not everything is possible to that heart that believes as it has always been said?
Are there things that are really not possible? Do I just go in and get a regular job and drill it in my head that what I think and believe is a fantasy that would never work in the real world?
Do I die now and be buried when I am 100 years?
Could this be a test? Do I get out of the system just to get myself back in because it is too hard or do I stick it in and drive through knowing that all this is bigger than me? I am deeply troubled.
By doing this I am going to be pissing off a lot of people because people are afraid of what they do not understand. They are afraid of the unfamiliar.
They are afraid of change even though it is the only constant thing in this universe. Everything changes. Yet even though this is so I am also afraid of pissing off those people that mean a lot to me.
I am afraid they do not understand me anymore for I have changed. In the end, they might force me to be who I once was, yet there is no going back.
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I am afraid that they will cast me out.
In the end, however, this fear is only an illusion and even if it comes to be so, I know I will be okay.
I did not take this path because it was the easiest. It was the most fulfilling. I also did not get this far just to give up. And if it was easy then everyone would do it, right?
I just need to figure this puzzle right here, take the next step, and then trust that it gets me closer to my truest self.
Let it be that I came across two paths in a forest. One was worn, wide, and well-treaded while the other was close-knit with leaves and grass and it seemed like ages since anyone had walked upon it.
I chose to take the one less traveled for I have a feeling it will make all the difference.
I guess I am not the only one who feels this way sometimes. Am I the only one who feels confused, messed up, and phony hitting one dead end after another and mostly alone because those who matter do not give a hoot about it?
I know there are those rare hearts who do give a damn, and these are the people that make me sit down, sip down some water, listen to the guidance of my inner being and then dust myself off and strut along like the queen that I am and the royalty that each being is!
Acting on the insight that comes to you will not always be easy.
It creates a wedge between you and the rest of humanity for a bit as you find yourself.
Asks of you that you honor your truest self. It asks that you trust and have faith in something your eyes have not seen yet.
Logic says, “Show me and then I will believe you.” The path to your insight will ask you to believe it first, and trust yourself and it before it reveals itself to you.
Your genius self is there. But it takes a harder road to realize. It will not appear so that you believe in it. It will give hints here and there, and then test you.
When you do not pass the test it will lovingly show you how to and then give you a different test. It will do this up until you get the test right.
When you do, it will tell you to work on your faith and trust its wisdom and then it will ask you to believe in yourself and fly even though no human being has ever done so.
Deep down though, your guiding being will tell you that you can and that just because it has never been done yet does not mean it cannot for all people who were ‘somebodies’ in history, had to jump off the cliff and fly even though no one had ever done it before them.
In its own way, your genius will prove to you that anything is possible.
So I strut along, on this path less traveled.