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Life is freaking painful and mine was no exception. At times it was so painful and hard that I felt like giving up. I wondered why the world was punishing me. How could I let go?

I dreaded it, I hated it, I saw myself as someone who could not survive it, I was in darkness and I imagined myself never seeing the light.

The world came spinning and it turned upside down then up again but then after some time, it turned upside down again.

I was swirling round and round! “WHY?” I wanted to shout! Why was this happening to me? Is this not enough? Have I not had enough surely? I have been through hell and back already! Why God why?

praying

God Knows Why

An answer came to my mind right then. That may be the reason why all this was happening was so that I could be a beacon of hope to the rest.

But then in anger, I wanted to answer that voice, “All this pain for that? All this misfortune, all this bad luck? Seriously, are you messing with me right now? God if you were here I would have punched you in the face! No kidding!”

I was raging mad. No amount of convincing would have brought me back. He was slowly dying and I could do nothing but watch!

I could not bear it! This was too much! Get rid of this disgusting feeling but I could not, because I did not know-how.

Scream my lungs out, but I was afraid I would not stop once I started or that when I started crying the tears would flow endlessly and I would not control it.

To keep it real with you, I needed someone to blame but even God would do me no good! In my mind I was falling, falling into this bottomless pit that had no end.

I kept trying to grab anything on the side walls as I did but my grip loosened every time I tried. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was losing hope and losing my grip.

sad

Alone and Cold

Where was this faith religion talked about when I needed it the most? Could I ever find these soothing feelings I was sending to the world through meditation where I was told I would feel peace no matter the circumstances?

What about these essentials of positive thinking I kept reading in books day by day? Was there positive energy I kept sending to the world before that would not materialize now?

How could I access these miracles I kept hearing? Why could they not save my dad? Surely, had all these left planet earth and gone all the way to Pluto then vanished because recently Pluto is no longer considered a planet?

At the base of this anger was fear. Fear of the unknown. How was I going to survive without my father? Who would I turn to for advice when I needed it?

My strength when I was weak? Tell me it was okay even when it was not. Turn to when I was dead broke and the world was against me?

thinking

Unfair Is An Understatement

Who would smile and say ‘I am proud of you’ every time I did well? Get mad and reproach me every time I’d stay a while before calling home?

Make me laugh when I was sad? Who would be my anchor, my dad, my encourager? The who’s kept ringing in my head on and on…

He was not a perfect father, but he was my father. To the world, he was not as good. Honestly, he was a man who had made many mistakes.

My dad lost his job because of getting into some shady deals which all backfired on him in the end. More so, he was in deep debt when it came to bank loans.

His marriage with my mum had failed and he had married another woman whom our family did not like as such and so in most cases, there was no connection among the family members.

Our family was always suspicious that the woman was up to no good. He had other children out of wedlock. Quite a number in fact but then he was still my dad and I would not trade him for anything in this world.

It was not always like that though. For a long time in my life, I was angry and resentful towards him. I mean how could he cheat on my mum and cause her so much pain?

sad

He Was Broken Too

How could he do that when all my mum did was stay faithful to him? At one point, the violence also got out of hand and the marriage broke.

I could not understand it but then when I finally confronted him about it, all he told me was that I would only understand when I was an adult and had my own family.

Part of me wanted to believe him then but I still had my doubts.  At this point, I cannot say I understand it right now but maybe one day I will.

It took counseling to help me deal with those feelings and finally forgive my father. It took courage and a leap of faith.

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And now I was losing him to a terminal illness. He was slowly dying and it was difficult with each painstaking day. Life was cruel.

I did not want him to go now that he had finally come back to his original family. I wanted him to live so that I could pay up for those moments when he had not been around.

But then I realized with time that that was selfish.

How could I? How did I want him to live when all he felt was pain? When each day he fought to survive and his body was slowly giving in?

Would it not be better to allow him to be out of his misery and have eternal rest? Allow his spirit to be free from the body that kept him bondage?

Allow him to go to a place they say where there is eternal peace and bliss with no pain and only joy? Would it not be better to allow him to watch over me from heaven?

thinking

Letting Go

Nobody stayed in this life forever and maybe it was his time to go. Letting go was very painful, but it was necessary. Celebrating his life was an immense feeling, for he had a beautiful soul.

From this, I learned that life is afflictive, hard, and full of challenges but that is the beauty of it because it makes us grow and grow immensely.

What hurts instructs. I was learning to be kind to my father and love him even more. He taught me to appreciate life. I learned to cherish every smile he gave because it may have been his last.

He made me live in the present and appreciate every moment, not in the past, or the future that was unknown. I learned to listen to him speak even when no words came out, then I would smile and tell him I loved him instead. More so. I realized that even in his current state, he was powerful

Love even when he had no recognition of who I was. See his good and forget his bad for it no longer mattered.

hope

On the bed he lay, he still taught me things and it must be that the universe wanted to teach me this. His body may have been diminishing but his soul and spirit stayed strong.

I learned that even when he could not hear and I could not understand what he said, our spirits could still connect and talk. Our bond was growing stronger.

Truth is I was not losing him. I was only going to connect with him on a deeper more spiritual level. And for the first time in a long time, life was beautiful despite the pain and I did find my peace.

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