Overcoming My Insecurity

I was trying to make that presentation to please my audience, make them see how intelligent I was. It was an unconscious desire to have them accept me, seek validation, and seek acceptance since I had always felt like an outcast.

I was trying to hide what I felt was my shame, to the world, yet inside me was an inner beauty painted mud, by my feelings of shame and inadequacy.

I was my own enemy because beneath the mud, was a bright light, an inner glow, and a compelling spirit that could make me do anything.

My slender posture, from head to feet was webbed in an intricate weave of insecurity. My speech stammered, my breathing labored, my hands sweaty and shaky, my mind blanks, and my quiet voice a whisper.

Scared

I was simply frozen and while in the middle of my speech, I dared not look at my audience because I was scared I would faint from shame.

I had thought I had something important to say, but it seemed to me that I was not good enough for it just as I had suspected.

My worst insecurity had just been confirmed, and I felt like screaming at my inner self for believing I could pull it off. It was a humiliation I would live with for the rest of my life.

Time seemed to crawl at the pace of a chameleon’s walk. I dared not look up, for I had heard a snort, someone was trying so hard not to laugh.

Curiosity made me take a quick peep towards that direction and the purple kinky hair confirmed it was Ted, my crush’s best friend. Josh, on the other hand, was slowly tapping at his phone, his brows furrowed.

Another glimpse and I had seen pity, almost as if one of the students felt sad on my behalf. I pretty much imagined the others smiling cunningly, others bored and uninterested, and others that gave the ‘stop wasting my time’ kind of look.

Getting Through

I had thought that this was the moment where I could prove myself, make a name for myself, but instead, I was shaking like a dry leaf about to be tossed into the air by the winter wind, to wither and die.

                                 Related Article: My Letter To You Angel…

“That is the end of my presentation, thank you for listening,” I piped out, my posture stiff, my look stone-cold and my voice monotonous like a bored parrot that was hungry, as I did my best to keep the emotions in and not face another embarrassment.

I hobbled to my seat, dragging my feet along as if they suddenly weighed a ton, my head bent, my hands clenched fists at my sides, and my black flowing satin knee high dress reflecting the mournful mood I was currently in wishing the blue glass walls could cave in and swallow me.

The clicks of my 3-inch black strapped heels emphasized the magnitude of my walk of shame. Once in my seat, Miley, my best friend, whispering, “it’s okay,” gently rubbed my back but Tasha was zoned out, as if in a trance where I was all by myself.

Panic

I saw no one, had nothing, felt nothing except overwhelming self-pity. It clung to me like a glove however much I tried to shake it off.

I wanted to open the floodgates and let the tears flow. But crying in front of people would only prove my weakness and I would never let that happen.

I had ashamed myself enough for today, and despite it all, I would not let my crush think I was a whimpering child now, would I?

My mind clicked on the replay button, thinking of the ‘aha’ moment that had captured me before the presentation right when I was reading the book ‘Fight your Own Battle’ two weeks ago.

I felt the heart-warm feelings tingle through my soul and give me a push, one I had never experienced before.

I remembered the glow and the wide smile I had as I looked into the mirror and visualized my victory at the killer presentation I was finally going to make.

But it had been short-lived. The horrific fear and anxiety that took over me were powerful. I was afraid of speaking in front of crowds.

In My Head

In my mind, others were much smarter than me, more experienced, more confident, better, more eloquent, passionate, more fortunate, committed, and prettier.

Deep inside I had never felt good enough and this presentation just proved it. In my quagmire of self-pity, I saw a lonely desperate naïve 11-year-old. Always trying to prove myself to the world and presenting this fake identity that tried to cover my shameful defeated self.

That girl was staring straight into my eyes, almost as if taunting me but surprisingly smiling. I realized at that moment, that ever since childhood, this really was the image I had of myself.

But then why was the small girl in front of me? Had my inner spirit somehow summoned me to give me the answer I sought?

And why was the little girl smiling, was it some sort of hope? In my blank state, I was reflective. At that same moment, came an insight, one that overtook me by surprise.

“Tasha to overcome this, speak to the little girl inside you, not the crowd, see only my, imagine I’s your shadow and you are having a conversation with me.”

I felt energy engulf my spirit and felt myself come to life once again like a bulb glow turned on.

The Inner Star Girl

This image of myself made me feel like it did not matter because it is only when I embraced that inner desperate girl. She embraced me, gave me a kiss, and looked at me with love instead of self-loath and disdain. I felt an inner knowing and heard a compelling whisper in my soul that I could do it.

I was trying to make that presentation to please my audience, make them see how intelligent I
was.

It was an unconscious desire to have them accept me, seek validation, and seek acceptance since I had always felt like an outcast.

I was trying to hide what I felt was my shame, to the world, yet inside me was an inner beauty painted mud, by my feelings of shame and inadequacy.

I was my own enemy because beneath the mud, was a bright light, an inner glow, and a compelling spirit that could make me do anything.

                                                    Find Out Your Archetype Here

This is what was blocking me. I was so focused on validation and approval from the outside. Forgetting that true worth could only be gotten from within when I’d rubbed off that mud and let my light come to life.

I was to look inward, not outward. This knowledge jumped off me that for a minute I wondered if it had come from a higher power or a greater source. All in all, I was thankful though.

Having known this, I nodded my head smiling, genuinely, after a very long time. I eagerly squeezed Miley’s manicured hand and whispered, “I have found it! I’ll explain later.”

Finally!

Miley stole a glance at me and realized my friend’s eyes had that glint. One that told you I had something up my sleeve and I was not backing out any time soon.

“Okay, what the hell just happene…” Miley did not even finish my sentence before Tasha’s hands shot up, almost as if they had a mind of their own.

“Later dear, Later!” I said, this time a little loudly that Mr. Mago, the tutor heard it. Well, I had already embarrassed myself, what was worse than that!

It was a chance to prove myself and though purely on instinct, I was not backing out on this. The tutor, Mr. Mago, a scruffy middle-aged man in his forties, with a loud voice and intelligent eyes turned to me. The look I gave was one you could not ignore.

It spits out determination and passion. Though in the middle of explaining a concept connected to my earlier presentation, he knew this was going to be good.

“Yes miss, what is it?” he bellowed, and the whole class turned their heads to me as if swept by some eerie wind.

Silence

A quick scan through my audience told me, a few were curious, others giving me glances you would want to wince in pain at. They really felt like gorging my eyes out.

“If you could please allow me, sir, neuroplasticity is a concept I have dwelt on keenly and I request that you let me explain it to the class.

I know my presentation earlier lives little enthusiasm but I just realized something. You gave me a task to do a presentation and I believe, I should give a presentation worthy of the honor you bestowed upon me.”

I had a look you could not say no to, for I was so set on doing it and there was no stopping me. Mr. Mago nodded his head knowingly, intuitively knowing this was going to be good.

The class groaned. Some laughed, others did not want to have to go through the pain of watching someone not know what to say again.

“Go right ahead miss, Tasha, the floor is yours!” He had a warm smile on his face, one rarely shown and this encouraged me even more.

Found My Power

The springy step and the enthusiastic movements took the class by surprise. For someone reserved and quiet, this was a new development.

For a moment there, Josh’s eyes were glued to my, almost as if in wonder, and for a fleet second, our eyes met and held.

                                                  Find Out Your Archetype Here

It was almost as if I had imagined it. But it gave me a burst of confidence that the inner light radiating from me had him awed as well.

Not aiming to please anyone, I just connected to my inner self. Speaking from my heart, enjoying it, and delivering my presentation with a command, poise, confidence, and an in-depth glow that mesmerized even me.

I had found it. The source of my power. And now that I had, the world was going to know it too. I felt like a genius!

Sending you love and light!

Love, Laughter, Peace, Joy, Prosperity, Abundance