I wrote this on one of those days when i was not at my best but this is my journey.
Who am I at this point? I feel lazy. And that makes me feel guilty. This is different from what I teach. It is as though it all flew out the window. Especially because I turned down a job that would have made me money doing it. I just felt like it was time I focused on my purpose you know?
I keep reading and practicing spiritual stuff and when I turned down the job, I felt like I was doing the right thing. But right now, I am not even sure I know what my purpose is. At this point, I am confused. what does that say about me?
I thought psychology was my thing so I studied it. Then I got into spirituality and enlightenment and I practice that now. Lately, I have been feeling like I need to test my feet by dipping into fashion and being a designer and some ideas are forming up in my mind and I feel confused. Who am I?
All over the place?
I know. Scattered. Unsettled. Energy everywhere. What am I doing? I keep procrastinating stuff and I know I am self-sabotaging. But how do I stop it? How do I change it?
My ass does not leave the bed till eleven AM and at times mid-day. I have no motivation to work. At this point, I cringe writing this down because I do know how it makes me look. Could it be that I am mourning even without realizing it? When I wake up I feel like I do not want to do anything. Who am I? What am I creating?
For heaven’s sake, I am thirty-one years old and counting! What am I doing? Who am I? What am I creating?
When I meditate, fashion comes to mind. Yet at one point in my past, I hated sewing. Trust me I tried. It also needs startup capital, to buy what I need. Then build a fan base after getting good at it because I know very little about it. Damn it? What do I do? Who am I?
My instincts are telling me to just go with it. Some time ago before this, I felt like I was meant to guide people. And, my nose is always stuck in a book when I am not watching something and of late, I have been reading a lot. Does that not mean that I am a writer? I have been reading forever. Heavens!
Do you get it now? My eyes-balls are rolling and my focus is everywhere. And if I am mourning, is it because of my recent ex who I thought I was okay with and I had made the right decision? Am I spiraling? I know.
My decisions seem to lack commitment and that is scary. If I keep changing my goal posts and jumping from one thing to the next, what does it say about me? If I cannot keep to one thing up until it is complete, even though I am so excited at first, what does it say about me? Who am I?
Am I falling?
Is it that I am lying to myself? With my ex, I feel like going back sometimes. I mean it seems like it gave me some stability. Do I lack discipline?
Gawd! This self-isolation is getting to me. I think I have been cooped up for way too long. Heavens!! I just made a heavy sigh and slid my palms down my face in frustration. Ever felt like chewing up your dress even though that would be going too far?
I am doing my best to follow my true inner voice, but it seems to be pulling me this way and that way. Or is it me being too stubborn to listen? Am I making this harder on myself than it is? Do I just need some grounding? Again, who am I and what am I creating?
One thing is for sure though. I love myself.
I do not always feel proud of my choices but I guess this is part of the process. At this point, it is all jumbled up. Some people make me feel grounded. And maybe I need them. I do not feel disciplined enough to do this myself. But also, I am perfect like this. For me, no day is like the other. Each day brings its magic and I welcome it! What does that say about me?
And maybe it may just be that I am not eating much. I mean I have been eating less to focus more. That is not working. Okay, y’all who am I kidding? I also need to check my weight even though I am not a big fan of exercising so this does it! There, I said it. Who am I?
Honestly, though, I feel like I will find my balance.
I found it but I keep self-sabotaging! One minute it is here. Next minute I messed it up. Then I find it again after working towards it then I lose it again. It is a process and this time, I am stopping this cycle.
All it takes is a decision, right? An intention? For all the components to align? Well then this is my decision and I know it will come to pass. I just need to step onto the path when it comes my way and this time stick to it.
I do know why my energies are all over the place. Gemini trends tend to do that for you, so I guess this is just the typical me being me. My personality also changes from time to time. At times it feels like meeting two different people. In this instance, I need to find my balance too. Again, what does this say about me?
Why am I sharing this?
First, I just need to relieve myself of this burden. And it does feel good to let it out. Not many people would care to listen and I mean just listen. Most will want to tell me what to do. Yet I need to ride this train on my own. Stumble, fall, crawl, slide, and trip up until I have mastered my art.
I do not want advice, or judgment, which is what most people offer. I need love and acceptance and since most people do not quite understand my choices, I feel like I am on my own mostly.
But hey this fashion designing idea keeps creeping up on me. Could it be that the spiritual psychology stuff was to get me to awaken, and then create through fashion? Or is it just a phase? I mean it is even in my dreams and for the first time, my dreams did not seem quite too awful!
Heavens help me!
This I say from my heart, please help me. I mean it because at this point I do not know what to do.
The second reason why I did this is that it just feels right. I feel like there is so much within me. Will it help someone out there? Honestly I do not know. Maybe. But my main reason I because it feels like I am letting out my inner thoughts down on paper and it is a great relief. What does that say about me?
Ego. That is one other thing I need to deal with. I feel like I have the discipline for this. To monitor my thoughts and my mind. To drive energy away from my ego and channel it deeper into my spirit.
What I truly desire from the pit of my soul is to honor my spirit.
I seek to have unbounded love flow through me. Live each minute in joy and peace, enjoying every second of it. Have creativity and ideas flow through me at the snap of my fingers. Enjoy living. Know prosperity and not have to ever worry about money. Spread love, every minute of every day.
I believe that I will wake up with a smile every morning, ready for the miracle each day has in store. To laugh and roll over, not just because I am happy but because I see positivity in every creation and situation. My desire is to have a heaven-on-earth experience. Nirvana. Bliss. Passion. I desire to experience the possibility that nothing is impossible.
The reason I stay cooped up is that most believe that this is impossible. Yet some people live like this. There is so much negativity around me. Most believe that what I have just stated is a fantasy yet I know this bliss to be true. Now I just want to experience it.
Society believes that it is unreal, but what I read tells me otherwise.
It tells me that I am here to experience this truth. What is more, I have felt it almost happen time and time again.
It tells me that my spirit knows this to be true. That the reason I came to earth was to experience this in physical reality by creating. I am unbounded, limitless. I can do anything, even that whole Jesus in the Bible miracle.
Again, this s what I seek to call into reality. This is what life is about. To do this, then help others remember it too. When I get a normal job and other people’s energy gets to me, I feel like I might forget this.
My faith in this is just a tiny spark at the moment and it needs to grow into a sporadic inferno. At this point, it can go off. Just as a tiny shoot is easy to destroy compared to a tree. I need to be a tree.
But how can I be that if elephants keep stamping on this tiny shoot? If I keep getting uprooted by the outside world, that is what will happen.
Surrounded by all these things people call facts, even my family may not understand me. This is why I feel like I need to be on my own for now. Even live on my own. But how do I support myself with no income?
Now, do you understand me a little better?
Even worrying about this will blow out my spark. So at this point, I just trust in the abundant provision of the universe, the loving hands of the cosmos, and the great spirit within me that desires to show me the truth, that I will find my answers.
Intentionally, I create through imagination, focus and attention, feelings, and inspired action. I intend to experience the God/Goddess that I am. I am doing so right now. Now, what does that say about me?
Thank you for reading this to the end. It is an interesting journey and I am here to tell you all about it. Who am I? I am a creator of my reality, a Goddess. I am creativity. Love flows through me abundantly. Prosperity and abundance are my birthright! Now let me create the experience!